How to hunt an elephant:
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
Software Lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
Promotion and Tenure Committees evaluate the quality of elephants caught by others and conclude that the elephants aren't as good as those caught by the committee members when they were young.
University vice-presidents define elephants as anything caught using funds granted by a federal agency.
Associate deans draw up plans to empower faculty to teach dyslexic students to catch left-handed elephants and then require faculty to catch a minimum number of right-handed elephants.
Psychologists define elephants as any animals that think their mothers were elephants.
Physicists have never detected an elephant, but several have modeled the behavior of elephants in interstellar space.
Paleontologists can catch elephants with ease, but it's much tidier to store the bones of Pleistocene elephants in museum drawers.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Sales people don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
from
http://www.esb.utexas.edu/dr325/genweb/grin.htm
The polar expedition had been lost for weeks, and food supplies were running short. Many of the explorers were near death, and the sled dogs were on the verge of collapse as the young lieutenant came up to report to the expedition's leader. The lieutenant nonetheless pulled himself together and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I have to report bad news".
The leader eyed him and gruffly said, "What's the problem now?"
The lieutenant responded, "I'm afraid all our food is gone, sir - we've eaten the last of the geologists."
Two associate professors were talking about how they tried to stay in shape. One ran a few miles each week, whereas the other lifted weights and went to a karate class.
The second asked the first, "Have you ever thought about taking up the martial arts?"
The first thought about it a second and then replied, "I don't see why I would want to - I already go to faculty meetings."
The elderly faculty member was explaining to some new assistant professors the nature of teaching at a university.
" . . . . What we've got here are adolescents, who are by nature prone to rebellion and disrespect. Many of them have for the first time escaped from parental control and thus have an exciting world of new behaviors to try and new places to explore. They are in prime mating form and suddenly have thousands of new potential mating partners to evaluate and then either to attract or reject. Many are experimenting with alcohol and/or drugs for the first time, and are either eager with anticipation of further experimentation or suffering the deleterious effects of their previous experimentation."
"Now, the contracts that you have signed obligate you to keep their undivided attention on medieval history or invertebrate zoology for fifty minutes each day. If you don't, you will be fired. Best of luck, and have a nice day."
A glossary of the social sciences:
Sociology: the study of how screwed up everything is.
History: the study of how everything got so screwed up.
Economics: the study of why everything will stay as screwed up as it is.
Psychology: the study of what everything being screwed up does to people's minds.
The senior professor was explaining some facts of life to a junior professor over lunch in the faculty dining hall:
". . . I know it looks brutal, but you have to consider the process from the standpoint of the entire system. It seems like they're just engaged in ruthless savagery, but in fact they're culling the herd and making it stronger. By singling out the weak and the young who aren't doing well, they're providing a valuable service. It looks savage and brutal to us, but sometimes the entire system profits from that kind of bloodthirsty behavior."
A third faculty member, overhearing all this, came over to their table. "I'm sorry to intrude, but I couldn't help overhearing you, and I've always been fascinated with wolves and their behavior in packs. Is that what you're talking about?"
The senior professor pondered this a moment and finally responded, "No, actually I was describing tenure review committees."
A department head was meeting with the Dean about teaching loads in her department, and she was making no progress in freeing up her faculty for the research demanded by their contracts.
"You have to appreciate," the Dean said, "that we have a uniform teaching load across the entire college, and I can hardly make an exception for your department without the entire college complaining".
The department head had heard this before and had heard it enough. "But Dean X, you tell every department head a different number, and tell each that you're applying a uniform load across the college."
After a moment, the Dean smiled and said "yes".
At this point the dpeartment head went even farther over the line of propriety. "And what," she stuttered, "and what do you call this process of telling different people different things about one allegedly consistent policy?"
The Dean smiled sweetly and said "Administration"
When a newspaper reported that the state university had a large facility on campus that was only used about 15 hours each year, politicians took no time in making statments about this scandal.
"This is exactly the kind of waste my administration is committed to eliminating," the Governor announced. "We'll cut funding to the University and institute a new certification process to make sure all facilities there are being used efficiently."
"This exactly what I would expect of the leftist elitist intellectuals in our University system," said a member of the Board of Regents known to be considering a run for Congress. "The professors at our universities should all be monitored much more closely, so that this kind of academic waste can be eliminated."
"I'll be launching a criminal investigation," announced the state's attorney general. "These pointy-headed intellectual professors have gone way to far in their abuse of state funds. We've learned that the facility in question has undergone renovation and expansion almost every year."
After all this was published in all the major newspapers, a young reporter just out of college decided to track down exactly what building was being used so little. She checked out usage of the library, of all the academic departments, and of the various research labs, and she couldn't find the facility on which these leftist academics were wasting so much money. After considerable investigation, she learned that the facilty on which the university was wasting all this money and using so little was the football stadium.
Back to Page 2 of the Short Compendium of Academic Humor
If you liked the Short Compendium of Academic Humor, you'll like a webpage by Mike Adams of Eastern Connecticut State University on The Dead Grandmother/Exam Syndrome and the Potential Downfall Of American Society.
Back to the UGA Geology Home Page
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see n times and call it an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
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